While filled with tragedy, the story of Cain and Abel teaches us a valuable lesson about living with sincerity. Through their example, we learn how not just our actions, but our attitudes matter to God – and how devastating sin’s consequences can be.
Sibling rivalry is a common phenomenon that occurs when siblings compete for their parents’ attention, affection, or resources. It is a natural part of growing up and can range from mild teasing and bickering to more intense conflicts. While sibling rivalry can be challenging for both children and parents, it can also provide opportunities for siblings to learn important social and emotional skills.
Why do siblings fight?
How your children’s needs and personalities develop can significantly affect how they relate to one another. Often it can heighten their conflict.
Many factors can contribute to sibling rivalry:
Factors related to age
- Preschoolers are not in total command of the social skills they need to be assertive without being aggressive. They may fight to protect their toys and other belongings.
- Elementary-school-age children are concerned with what’s fair versus unfair. They may begrudge a younger sibling’s seemingly preferential treatment.
- Teenagers value their independence. They may resent being asked to take care of their younger siblings.
- Age differences between siblings: The closer in age your children are, the more likely they are to be at each other.
Causes of Sibling Rivalry:
- Birth Order: Birth order can play a role in sibling rivalry, as older siblings may feel threatened by the arrival of a new baby, while younger siblings may feel resentful of the attention given to their older sibling.
- Personality Differences: Siblings with different personalities may clash more frequently, as they may have different interests, values, and ways of expressing themselves.
- Parental Treatment: Parents who treat their children differently, whether intentionally or unintentionally, can contribute to sibling rivalry. This can include favoritism, unequal discipline, or different expectations.
- Competition for Resources: When siblings compete for limited resources, such as toys, space, or parental attention, it can lead to conflict.
- Modeling: Children may learn sibling rivalry behaviors from their parents or other adults in their lives. If they observe their parents arguing or competing with each other, they may adopt these behaviors in their own relationships with their siblings.
- Jealousy: Jealousy is a common emotion among siblings, as they may feel envious of each other’s accomplishments, possessions, or relationships.
- Stress: Stressful life events, such as moving, divorce, or financial difficulties, can exacerbate sibling rivalry.
- Genetics: Some studies suggest that genetics may play a role in sibling rivalry, as certain personality traits and behaviors can be inherited.
Calm the Conflict
Whatever you do, don’t take sides. You might think you heard or saw what started the argument, but don’t place any judgment on either party. Instead, once everyone is calm, listen to each child’s version of what happened and encourage them to use “I feel” statements as they tell their story.
In many families, the children count their siblings among their friends. But it’s also common for siblings to be great friends on one day and hateful to one another on the next. They often compete with, are jealous of, and harbor resentment of one another.
You’ve likely seen this particular green-eyed monster. It’s known as sibling rivalry, and it’s universal. And of all the issues you encounter in parenting, sibling rivalry may be among the most frustrating.
Some experts say sibling rivalry stems from children competing for their parents’ love. Others say the children’s goal is parental recognition or attention. Sibling rivalry can start even before the second child comes into the picture.
Ways that children show sibling rivalry include:
- Calling each other names
- Telling on each other, whether truthfully or not
- Verbal sparring, but not good-naturedly
- Poking or hitting each other
- Breaking or hiding each other’s possessions
How to deal with sibling rivalry
How you respond to your children’s rivalry can help improve their relationship. Here are some things to try:
Proactive strategies
- Focus on your children’s individual strengths in everyday life.
- Provide affection and individual quality time on an equal basis.
- Plan fun activities for your whole family.
- Avoid labels for your children, such as the “difficult one.”
Mediating strategies
- Instead of taking a side, encourage them to brainstorm for a resolution.
- Show them how to cooperate and share things.
- Pay attention to the time when conflicts typically happen, so you can change up the routine.
- Teach them positive ways to get each other’s attention.
Through it all, make it clear that you will not tolerate violence or bullying. Remember that if things get out of hand, a behavioral psychologist can help you sort them out. Your primary care physician can assist you in locating one.
Reasons for seeking professional help with sibling rivalry include:
- A current or potential psychological disorder
- Real or potential for physical abuse
- Negative impact on your marriage/partnership
